Many of us find coupling very challenging.   We want intimacy and independence, and are not willing to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of harmony.  It no longer works to fit our relationship into a standard formula like traditional marriage.  And so, we find ourselves in unexplored territory, with no map or compass to give us direction.  When conflicts arise, we often don’t know how to approach the situation so that our emotions and needs, and those of our partner, are addressed with care.

          There is no longer a simple model to follow for a happy marriage,and many of our habitual ways of relating to a partner seem to result in increased conflict, and more distance between us.  The social structures that minimized tension by assigning specific roles, and designating one person as the decision maker, do not work for many of us.  We are entering a new paradigm of partnering that requires us to question our most basic assumptions, and find a new approach to intimacy.

       The traditional format for marriage required that we sacrifice our individual feelings and needs for an outward appearance of unity.  This formula kept marriages together at the cost of individual growth and creativity, and is no longer a priority for many of us.  We want to be ourselves, and be connected with another person.  We are looking for a partnership of two equals with a deeper love that allows us to flourish as individuals.   And so, necessarily we are going to be faced with conflicts that were largely ignored or denied, just a generation ago. We don’t yet know how to be intimately connected to another, and ourselves, at the same time.

       The nature of a primary relationship is to expose parts of ourselves we have kept hidden, even from our own awareness.  When these shadows surface unexpectedly they can be very difficult to respond to, in ourselves, or in our partner. A predictable aspect of this process is that our hidden wounds often correspond to our partner’s wounds in a way that automatically hooks each other, and can result in extreme reactions.  These reactions can escalate and create an immense downward spiral of attack and defense that can destroy the trust and love at the foundation of the relationship.

          In the old paradigm of marriage, this kind of conflict is something to be avoided at all cost.  We learned to deal with it through submission or withdrawal, or blaming our partner, and trying to force them to change.  In the new way of relationship, conflict is approached with care and recognized as a means to further personal growth and deeper intimacy in the relationship. And a constructive resolution of conflict is one where both people are able to meet their needs and have their emotions recognized. 

Primary partnerships often come apart because of power struggles and the intense emotions that surface when we become intimate with another person.   The traditional social roles and expectations that kept these deeper feelings and needs from arising, and kept couples together in the past, are crumbling in this time of changing values and beliefs.  And many of us are left feeling lost and helpless to maintain stability in our relationships, because we have out grown the old model of traditional family structure, and have not found a new way to be together.

The Intention of Partnership

         Being exposed is usually experienced as frightening or painful, and we often go to great lengths to avoid it.  When it happens in a relationship, we frequently blame it on our partner, because it looks like they are the cause of our discomfort.  Finding fault in them  means we do not have to look at our self honestly, and our wounds can remain hidden in our subconscious.  Unfortunately this means we cannot heal these wounds or grow beyond them.  And so, we remain stuck in old unconscious habits, which often are the real cause of our unhappiness.

Learning How to be Happy

Many of us believe that our happiness depends on something outside of our self. We tend to expect other people, especially our primary partner, to meet many of our basic needs.  And, when they do not, we often feel hurt, angry, and resentful, and try to manipulate them.  Unfortunately, this common strategy for getting what we want usually makes the situation worse.  Attacking our partner, or withdrawing from them, creates tension and distance between us, and quickly destroys the sense of safety and intimacy that was the foundation of the relationship.

If we challenge the assumption that other people are responsible for our happiness, we can begin to take control of our own well being.  The most difficult part of this process is simply taking the focus off the other person, and becoming aware of what is happening inside of our self.  Once we are willing to be aware of our own emotions, and learn how they reveal our basic needs, we can begin to better take care of our self.  

Relieving our Old Hurts

            This process starts with gently transforming our intention for intimacy, from simply comfort and safety, to the desire to become aware of those negative parts of our self we have been hiding.   Instead of focusing on the psychology or family history behind each negative pattern or reaction, this work allows the emotions associated with old wounds to simply arise within a container of safety and acceptance. 

In this work, we acknowledge the emotion, the event that triggered it, and the underlying need that it may be signaling within us, without judgment or blame, and often without the need for detailed understanding or explanation.  Once an unconscious emotion or wound is brought into our awareness, it usually begins to release and heal automatically, and can no longer cripple us, or damage our relationships, as it has in the past.

        Ironically, it is our insistence on keeping these negative shadows hidden within us, for fear of exposing them to other peoples’ judgment, that gives them their power to hurt us.   We mistakenly believe that if we expose them we will be rejected, and that hiding them is the only way we have to safely deal with them.  In reality, hiding our emotional charges increases them, and they inevitably come out indirectly in ways that are often destructive.  It is only by becoming aware of them our self, and being willing to expose them in a non-blaming way to our partner, that we allow our old wounds to be healed, and become free of them and their negative effects on our life.

Conscious coupling is about learning to accept and validate your own emotions, and those of your partner, and creatively explore the basic needs underneath them that are not being met.  You will find that the emotions release themselves once you accept them as yours.  When you relax instead of tighten around a difficult feeling, it simply passes, and reveals a natural joy and happiness inside of you.  And, as you learn how to do this for yourself, you also learn how to support your partner in doing this for themselves.  

This couples work can offer you an experience of the release that occurs, and the relief and joy that is felt, when these old buried wounds are brought into awareness and healed.   Once this new pattern and new skills become familiar, the relationship has less opportunity to fall into the downward spiral of negativity, accompanied by blame and struggles for recognition from your partner.  Then there is a chance to help each other become more complete and happy, and thereby strengthen the love and intimacy between you.   Your relationship naturally grows closer as you learn to stop being adversaries unconsciously re-wounding each other, and become allies for each others well being instead.

 Miles Sherts                       Sky Meadow Retreat               miles@skymeadowretreat.com