Testimonials
It's
been
almost two years since my
partner and I spent several days staying at Sky Meadow and working with
Miles.
It's easy to see now that those days, which came after 20 years of
marriage,
constituted a turning point in our relationship. The peacefulness and
beauty of
Sky Meadow was mirrored in the remarkable space of openness and safety
Miles
offered us. With firm persistence, and yet extraordinary gentleness, he
guided
us to face our greatest difficulties as a couple, and press
through the darkness towards love, clear boundaries and strong
connection.
Miles’
work
is entirely
principle-based, and he makes those principles transparent, which
places the
power in the hands of his clients. He is thus a teacher as well as a
counselor,
and as such he models compassion, honesty and courage. We left Sky
Meadow
having not only attained a new intimacy in our relationship, but with
concrete
and valuable tools to help us remain there. (or,
I should say, to keep finding it anew).
Amnon Buchbinder - Associate
Professor - York University, Toronto
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miles, you touch so many people
with your compassion, so I don't know if you are aware of how much you
impacted
our lives,with those few sessions back in
September. After years of my own personal journey through therapy
and of
running around in a restless attempt to find emotional stability, I
came to Sky
Meadow to simply find some quiet time, away from my hectic life in NYC.
Honestly, I thought that talking
with you would be just a
way to show that I was giving a chance to our relationship, at that
point still
so shaken from the burden of our recent divorces. I thought that those
sessions
would be beneficial mainly to my partner, as I thought he was too
confused to
sort things out on his own.
I came wounded and armed like
the warrior I thought I was supposed to be... and
I left for the first time in my life embracing my own
vulnerability, open to jump
back in our relationship that I described to you as a "beautiful pond
that
I know full of sharks", only
because you helped me realize
that all ponds are full of them, but the power of swimming and enjoying
the
beauty of them without
getting too hurt is
entirely on me.
You helped
us finding strength and clarity for our individual journeys as well
as a couple... You created such a safe space for
sharing our pain and fears,
allowing us to really listen to each other and for the first time
really look
at each other with compassion... It's
hard to know what would have
happened if we didn't meet you.. but I know for a fact that those few
days at
Sky Meadow had been a turning point for
us, to the extent that we are
now able to truly put that dark time behind, no matter how often the
memory of
it keeps coming back, and we finally feel brave enough to
commit to a long journey together.
Laura Lo Forti - Journalist
- New York City
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miles
is able to create a “listening space” between partners that facilitates
a sense
of closeness and separateness simultaneously. It is a technique
that couples can use and
master on their own to resolve differences and build intimacy. I
have used it with countess couples and
families in my practice and have been impressed with the results.
It helps to create a secure bond between
partners when each feels deeply heard and deeply known by the other.
In using
this technique, the tendency to become defensive, overwhelmed, or
critical
falls away and is replaced by closeness, attunement, and an ability to
work
together to resolve difficulties. It has
been an invaluable resource in my practice.
Bonnie - Psychotherapist - Montreal
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Couples
Work
Many
of us find coupling very challenging. We
want intimacy and independence, and are not willing
to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of harmony. It
no longer works to fit our relationship into a standard formula like
traditional marriage. And so, we find
ourselves in unexplored territory, with no map or compass to give us
direction. When conflicts arise, we often
don’t know how to approach the situation so that our emotions and
needs, and those of our partner, are addressed with care.
There is
no longer a simple model to follow for a happy marriage,and many
of our habitual ways of relating to a partner seem to result in
increased conflict, and more distance between us. The
social structures that minimized tension by assigning specific roles,
and designating one person as the decision maker, do not work for
many of us. We are entering a new paradigm
of partnering that requires us to question our most basic assumptions,
and find a new approach to intimacy.
The traditional format for marriage required that we
sacrifice our individual feelings and needs for an outward appearance
of unity. This formula kept marriages
together at the cost of individual growth and creativity, and is no
longer a priority for many of us. We want
to be ourselves, and be connected with another person. We are looking for a partnership of two equals
with a deeper love that allows us to flourish as individuals. And so, necessarily we are going to be
faced with conflicts that were largely ignored or denied, just a
generation ago. We don’t yet know how to be intimately connected to
another, and ourselves, at the same time.
The nature of a primary
relationship is to expose parts of ourselves we have kept hidden, even
from our own awareness. When these shadows surface unexpectedly
they can be very difficult to respond to, in ourselves, or in our
partner. A predictable aspect of this process is that our hidden wounds
often correspond to our partner’s wounds in a way that automatically
hooks each other, and can result in extreme reactions. These
reactions can escalate and create an immense downward spiral of attack
and defense that can destroy the trust and love at the foundation of
the relationship.
In the old paradigm of marriage, this kind of
conflict is something to be avoided at all cost. We
learned to deal with it through submission or withdrawal, or blaming
our partner, and trying to force them to change. In
the new way of relationship, conflict is approached with care and
recognized as a means to further personal growth and deeper intimacy in
the relationship. And a constructive resolution of conflict is one
where both people are able to meet their needs and have their emotions
recognized.
To maintain a
primary intimate
relationship today requires a new vision. Instead of a new model
to try to fit ourselves into, this new way may involve learning simple
tools of constructive communication with which we can address conflicts
in a way that increases intimacy and strengthens our integrity.
It may also include support from someone who can witness the
uncomfortable places in your relationship without judgment, and offer a
safe and supportive environment for you to bring these into the open
and address them directly.
My work
with couples is based on the simple idea that bringing these hidden
wounds into awareness, and becoming familiar with the corresponding
negative patterns between partners, defuses their potential for
destruction. Once we can name a wound as individuals, or a
pattern between us as a couple, it no longer can control us as it has
in the past. By bringing these hidden forces out into the open,
we can deal with them directly, and once we become aware of their
negative effects, we can more easily choose
to let go of them.
I am
trained in mediation and conflict resolution and teach communication
skills in various formats. I worked for 10 years as a
divorce and family mediator and learned first hand some of the dynamics
that force couples apart. I also have a background in meditation and
spiritual exploration and have worked with couples and individuals
trying to bring more awareness into their lives. I am committed
to using my experience and skills to support couples in staying
together, and
strengthening relationships through consciously addressing our
different needs, values, and emotions.
These sessions usually begin by
focusing on a
current issue in your relationship, from one partner's
perspective. With direct coaching the person expressing the
concern is encouraged to explore their basic feelings and needs, while
the other partner is taught how to listen from a neutral place and
offer support. In the process of exploring specific conflicts,
both of you learn how to express your emotions and needs in a way that
offers the best opportunity for resolution. You each also learn
how to listen to your partner supportively, without reacting or
debating.
Weekend
and weekday times are available. You are invited to make a day
long retreat out of your visit and explore the trails on this 120 acre
property before or after your session.
Conscious
Coupling
By Miles
Sherts
Primary
partnerships often come apart because of power
struggles and the intense emotions that surface when we become intimate
with
another person. The traditional
social
roles and expectations that kept these deeper feelings and needs from
arising,
and kept couples together in the past, are crumbling in this time of
changing
values and beliefs. And many of us are
left feeling lost and helpless to maintain stability in our
relationships,
because we have out grown the old model of traditional family
structure, and
have not found a new way to be together.
Being in a couple can seem impossibly
difficult in these times, and often has painful consequences, because
most of
us don’t know how to proceed. We are in
new territory when it comes to primary relationships, and there are not
many
reliable maps to follow. This is also a time of great opportunity, as
we are
being challenged to become more conscious of how relationships work,
and to
create a whole new model for partnership. A key
to finding our way is having a clear understanding of the purpose of an
intimate relationship, and learning skills that serve that end.
Marriage and family has largely been an
unconscious habit, following the pattern set by our parents generation. Most of us were never encouraged to have
an
intention for marriage beyond the comfort of intimacy and the stability
and
continuity of family and society. And we
were not taught any skills for coupling, or even given the idea that
skills
were necessary. Now that the
familiar
patterns are collapsing, we are being challenged to make the process of
coupling more conscious, and pay attention to how it works.
The
Intention of
Partnership
Most
of us seek a primary partner because we
feel
alone, and long for intimacy and companionship. At
first, romantic relationships fill us with a
euphoric sense of fulfillment,
because our lives are joined with another person. Yet
this feeling is temporary, and usually
wears off, as we spend more time together and try to get our basic
needs met. The sense of connection that
once seemed to
soothe our deepest fears, can turn into a struggle to be recognized for
who we
are, and to maintain our individual identity in the face of another
person who can
appear to threaten our very being. And
we are often left confused or frightened about where the unconditional
love and
acceptance went, and who our partner really is.
Romantic partnerships inevitably bring to
the surface any hidden negativity or emotional wounds that we have been
avoiding in our life. This is the most
predictable aspect of this kind of relationship. The
closer we get to another person, the less
we are able to hide. The safer we feel
with another person, the more we expose parts of our self that we do
not like,
and have been trying to deny. This
often looks like yelling, talking negatively about our partner, or
hurting them
in ways that shock both of us.
Being
exposed is usually experienced as frightening or painful, and we often
go to
great lengths to avoid it. When it happens
in a relationship, we frequently blame it on our partner, because it
looks like
they are the cause of our discomfort. Finding
fault in them means
we do
not have to look at our self honestly, and our wounds can remain hidden
in our
subconscious. Unfortunately this means
we cannot heal these wounds or grow beyond them. And
so, we remain stuck in old unconscious
habits, which often are the real cause of our unhappiness.
Coupling provides an
opportunity for us to
recognize where we are most sensitive, and bring these hurt places we
carry
within us out into the open. Intimate
relationships serve this intention
well because the surfacing of intense emotions occurs so frequently. When there is conflict in a relationship it
means there are uncomfortable emotions rising to the surface. The closer we feel to someone, the more they
tend to trigger these strong feelings in us. In
this light, a good relationship is one where we
stimulate each other’s
wounds, and these hidden emotional charges are allowed out in the open,
often
for the first time in our adult life.
Yet, for
many of us, this is the point where things become difficult and the
relationship turns negative. We simply
have no preparation for dealing with the amount of negativity that can
arise
from ourselves or our partner. Often the
only response we know to conflict is to blame the other person, and
either
attack them, or withdraw. And, when we follow this pattern, it is easy
for a
relationship to become stuck in a destructive struggle, and never find
its way
out.
Learning
How to be Happy
Many
of us believe that our happiness depends on
something outside of our self. We tend to expect other people,
especially our
primary partner, to meet many of our basic needs. And,
when they do not, we often feel hurt,
angry, and resentful, and try to manipulate them. Unfortunately,
this common strategy for
getting what we want usually makes the situation worse.
Attacking our partner, or withdrawing from
them, creates tension and distance between us, and quickly destroys the
sense
of safety and intimacy that was the foundation of the relationship.
When a
partnership becomes stuck in attempts to defer
responsibility for our well being to the other person, the situation
can feel
hopeless, negative, and unsafe. Conscious
coupling begins with creating a new base
of safety and sanity
within the relationship by separating our individual emotions and needs. Each partner is supported in taking
responsibility for their own reactions, discovering their own needs,
and using
the self awareness that arises in the relationship to begin to change
habits
that are making them unhappy.
Basic
skills are introduced that allow you to hear your partners’ emotions,
and
better understand their needs, without taking responsibility for them. You also learn how to express our own
feelings and needs without blaming or attacking your partner. And you learn how to assume responsibility
for your own emotions and address your own needs more effectively. This often involves asking your partner for
help, with clear requests that are not demands or expectations.
If we
challenge the assumption that other people are
responsible for our happiness, we can begin to take control of our own
well
being. The most difficult part of this
process is simply taking the focus off the other person, and becoming
aware of
what is happening inside of our self. Once
we are willing to be aware of our own emotions, and learn how they
reveal our
basic needs, we can begin to better take care of our self.
Relieving
our Old Hurts
This
process starts with gently
transforming our intention for intimacy, from simply comfort and
safety, to the
desire to become aware of those negative parts of our self we have been
hiding. Instead of focusing on
the psychology
or family history behind each negative pattern or reaction, this work
allows
the emotions associated with old wounds to simply arise within a
container of
safety and acceptance.
In
this work, we acknowledge the emotion, the event
that triggered it, and the underlying need that it may be signaling
within us, without
judgment or blame, and often without the need for detailed
understanding or
explanation. Once an unconscious emotion
or wound is brought into our awareness, it usually begins to release
and heal
automatically, and can no longer cripple us, or damage our
relationships, as it
has in the past.
Ironically, it is
our insistence on
keeping these negative shadows hidden within us, for fear of exposing
them to
other peoples’ judgment, that gives them their power to hurt us. We mistakenly believe that if we expose
them
we will be rejected, and that hiding them is the only way we have to
safely deal
with them. In reality, hiding our
emotional charges increases them, and they inevitably come out
indirectly in
ways that are often destructive. It is
only by becoming aware of them our self, and being willing to expose
them in a
non-blaming way to our partner, that we allow our old wounds to be
healed, and
become free of them and their negative effects on our life.
Conscious
coupling is about learning to accept and
validate your own emotions, and those of your partner, and creatively
explore
the basic needs underneath them that are not being met.
You will find that the emotions release themselves
once you accept them as yours. When you
relax instead of tighten around a difficult feeling, it simply passes,
and
reveals a natural joy and happiness inside of you.
And, as you learn how to do this for
yourself, you also learn how to support your partner in doing this for
themselves.
This
couples work can offer you an experience of the
release that occurs, and the relief and joy that is felt, when these
old buried
wounds are brought into awareness and healed. Once this new pattern
and new
skills become familiar, the relationship has less opportunity to fall
into the
downward spiral of negativity, accompanied by blame and struggles for
recognition from your partner. Then
there is a chance to help each other become more complete and happy,
and
thereby strengthen the love and intimacy between you.
Your relationship naturally grows closer as
you learn to stop being adversaries unconsciously re-wounding each
other, and become
allies for each others well being instead.
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