Introduction to Conscious Communication

Conscious Communication:
How to Establish Healthy Relationships and Resolve Conflict Peacefully, while Maintaining Independence
published by Langdon St. Press in 2010 is available for purchase at www.LanguageofConnection.com
For a 20% discount - type the word "connect" into the promotional code on the order page

Weekend workshops in Conscious Communication offered at Sky Meadow Retreat in Vermont (click here)

                                  An introduction to Conscious Communication

              While we have made impressive advances in technology that enable a level of material comfort unthinkable to our ancestors, our way of relating to each other has not changed much since the Stone Age. Most of us rely on our instincts of fight or flight when we feel threatened, and we still believe that attacking or withdrawing will resolve our conflicts with other people. The tragic results of our lack of relationship skills are evident all around us, from the epidemic of divorce to the continual outbreaks of war throughout our world.

          With more than six billion of us now sharing the resources of our small planet, tensions between people can only increase, and our inability to cooperate with each other may be the largest threat we face to our survival as a species. In an age of nuclear weapons, global warming, massive environmental pollution, and a global economy, it is clear that the actions of each one of us affect everyone else here on earth. In this light, our reliance on primitive survival instincts to manage our relationships makes no sense. If we continue to choose competition over cooperation, we insure our own eventual demise.

   Conscious Communication presents a model for healthy relationships that focuses on the hidden causes of tension between people, and helps us understand how our own ingrained assumptions create an atmosphere of competition. Instead of approaching conflict from a moral or intellectual view point, this system takes aim at the primal impulses that compel us to fight, even when the outcome is not in our best interests. By bringing our ancient survival instincts into view, we expose them for what they are and recognize how they directly undermine our needs for family, community, and security.

           The foundation of Conscious Communication is a set of simple skills that effectively interrupt our habitual reactions and enable us to make a more conscious choice than fight or flight when we feel threatened. These new tools for co-operative relationships offer a framework for conflict that goes beyond the simplistic labels of good and bad, and allows us to stay connected with each other, while acknowledging our differences.

           This book is the result of the author’s lifelong quest, involving thirty years of learning, practicing, and teaching effective ways to manage differences between people. It compels us to take an honest look at personal habits that interfere with our capacity for cooperation, contentment, and peace. This approach is amazingly effective for resolving any kind of issue, from immediate family tensions, to conflicts between nations. It offers an inspiring vision of relationships that honor our individuality while building trust, safety, and a true feeling of connection between us.

        Miles leads Conscious Communication workshops and classes
                          at Sky Meadow Retreat in Vermont, and elsewhere by invitation

                                                  miles (at) skymeadowretreat (dot) com

Reviews of Conscious Communication

This book illuminates one of the most important life tools imaginable.

Conscious Communication offers a clear and complete pathway to develop healthier and more peaceful relationships in all aspects of our lives. I appreciate the thoroughness with which the book offers tools and principles that support people to be both independent and to enjoy connection with others.
Karl Steyaert, MS, MA, Professional Trainer in conflict resolution and communication

In Conscious Communication, Miles Sherts addresses the most complex and central of human experiences, relationships, with clarity and thoroughness. Sherts brings to this topic a fresh perspective born of his extensive experience as a mediator and a practitioner of meditation. He presents the basic notion that relationship problems stem from habitual self-protective patterns reinforced by a lack of the communication skills necessary to foster connection and conflict resolution. He presents a detailed analysis of faulty communication patterns, along with in-depth instructions on cultivating fundamental skills, such as setting boundaries, supportive listening, assertion, and collaborative negotiation. These skills are all presented within the broader context of increased self-awareness and compassion for self and other. This unique synthesis of self-awareness with basic skills provides a firm foundation for healing individual and interpersonal wounds and promoting deeper connection in all types of human relationship. Conscious Communication is a richly comprehensive addition to a field that is of utmost importance to anyone who wishes to create sustainable, nurturing, and mutually satisfying relationships.

Reviewed by: Miriam "Miv" London, PhD - University of Vermont
Senior Staff Psychologist - Coordinator, Mindfulness Practice Center - Counseling Center

Excerpts from Conscious Communication

Why Consciously Communicate? (Introduction)

There are few things more important now than learning to communicate with each other in a way that supports our individuality while also recognizing our interdependence. Most of our familiar social rules are changing so rapidly that it is difficult to pinpoint what is essential in our relationships with other people. We are experiencing an unprecedented degree of personal independence, yet the price we are paying is an increased sense of isolation from each other. This leaves many of us feeling confused about where we belong, and with whom we feel genuinely connected.

The old formulas for relationships are failing because they do not allow for each of us to be our own person. And, our new emphasis on personal growth and individual freedom has left us without a good way to connect with each other.

We think we cannot be ourselves
and maintain close relationships with other people.
Yet this is not so;
we simply have not yet learned how.

The aim of Conscious Communication is to provide a clear way for us to invest
in our relationships with other people, while also investing in ourselves.

                                     The Dilemma of Relating to Other People

                  All of us are in relationships of some kind. We each have family, and most of us have neighbors, friends, and people with whom we work or socialize. Nations relate to other nations, and communities relate to other communities. In spite of being surrounded by people, however, many of us have a nagging sense of being alone.
               No matter how close we are to others, it seems they frequently do not understand us. At
the same time, they often baffle us with their annoying complexities and contradictions. It is easy to become disillusioned with other people when they fail to provide the kind of support we want, or when we just don’t understand them. We may then find ourselves wishing that everyone would just go away.

But, when everyone does go away, we get scared. Few of us are comfortable in isolation, and while we may condemn the failings of our neighbors, friends, or family, we need them. It seems that we can’t live with other people, yet we also can’t live without them. We often cope with this dilemma by trying to keep a safe distance from others, only to end up hopelessly trapped in relationships that do not work.

Caught between our need for connection,
and our desire for freedom,
we are not able to fully realize either.

Many of us today are perplexed about relationships and confused as to why they can be so difficult. From couples to corporations, and neighbors to nations, we are experiencing more conflict, and few of us want to look at it directly because we don’t know how to respond. We tend to avoid these tense situations with other people, or charge into them aggressively, hoping to make them go away as quickly as possible. But these tactics only make matters worse, and we find ourselves with a closet full of broken and discarded relationships that ultimately undermine our sense of peace and security in the world.

Developing Tools for Cooperative Relationships

One of the things that distinguishes us as humans from most other species here on earth is our use of tools. As far back as we can see, people have made devices to help them meet their daily needs. Our use of technologies began very simply with sharpened stones or sticks and has steadily evolved into the complex and powerful tools we have today.

We now live in an age of astonishing technology that allows us to do things that were unimaginable to people who lived just a generation ago. We can push a button on the computer and find almost any information in minutes. We can travel around the earth in a day, talk directly to someone on a different continent, and send images through wires instantly. Yet most of us do not know how to communicate honestly without blame, or hear another person’s experience without judgment.

Our use of tools has focused almost exclusively on expanding our physical capacities. We think of technology as providing a means to get a task done using less effort or time. And while our amazing new mechanisms empower each of us to take care of our physical needs more effectively by ourselves, they have not helped us take care of our emotional needs or build stronger relationships with each other. In fact they tend to isolate us further, because we need each other less and less for our own survival.

Our successes with technology and widespread use of the earth’s fossil fuels have enabled a level of independence from each other that is unprecedented in human history. We can each have a car, maintain a home, move where we want, and find food, clothing, and shelter by ourselves. This has truly been the Golden Age of individual freedom and mobility. Yet the price we have paid for this personal autonomy is a dramatic erosion of our ability to live and work together cooperatively.

It appears that this is all changing now, as we witness the results of valuing individuality above relationship and community. It is dawning on us through revelations like global climate change and the pollution of our air and water, that we live on a small planet with limited resources, and the actions of each person affect every other person. We are recognizing that human activity can cause destruction to our environment on a scale that threatens all of us. And the creation and inevitable spread of nuclear weapons means that the consequences of unchecked global conflict would be devastating for our entire world.

Evidence of our lack of skills in personal and international relationships is all around us, and it is becoming increasingly apparent that competing with each other is undermining our own chances of survival. From divorce and the breakup of families to war between nations, our world is being torn apart by our own incapacity to resolve our differences peacefully. We may still find competition compelling and seek the familiar sense of purpose that comes from struggling against an enemy. Yet if we allow our habit of opposition to go unchecked, we will surely destroy everything we are living for.

As we face any number of looming global catastrophes, our continued existence on earth will likely hinge on our ability to get along with each other. In the era ahead, cooperation will be the most important skill, and building community will become essential to support life. It is time now for us to recognize that our impulse to compete with each other is a fatal attraction, and then to channel our amazing capacity for technology into creating a means to live in peace.

We have to expand our definition of tools to include ways of staying connected with each other through conflict, and making decisions that include everyone’s needs. It is no longer sustainable to manage relationships by force or withdrawal. It is necessary now to develop ways of dealing with our differences that recognize our inherent connection with each other, while at the same time honoring our individuality.

Peace and Love (end of Chapter 22)

        Almost a half century ago, a revolution occurred within an entire generation of young adults. It quickly spread across Western-influenced countries and is still spreading today throughout the world. The theme of this movement for social change was peace and love. It was a passionate and beautiful expression of our highest human ideals. And it planted seeds that are only now beginning to bear fruit.
        In the decades that followed this popular uprising, it appeared as though the revolution died and the ideals it stood for were buried beneath business as usual. It seemed that all our idealism was powerless to change the way things were. Peace gave way to other wars, and love was overshadowed by greed, hatred, and fear. Many people gave up on these ideals, thinking that real change could never happen. <>If we imagine something, however, we can realize it, and an ideal is simply the place to start. Beliefs are powerful because they show us what is possible, and our dreams tell us what we most want in life. Peace and love are not only possible; they are basic requirements for our health and happiness. Yet they are not something we can achieve or accumulate. They are like the air we breathe and water we drink, and we constantly need a fresh supply.
         The task in front of us now is to learn how to generate peace and love in our daily interactions with the people around us. If we want these in our world, this is where they need to take root. A book like this one can demonstrate some skills and suggest a different way to think of ourselves in relation to other people. Yet, we are only at the beginning of learning how to make these work, and it will require all of us to evolve this technology of peace and love into a new template for humanity.

We seem to require opposition now as a way to distinguish ourselves from each other. By focusing on our individual preferences, we define who we are as unique individuals. Separating ourselves in this way may be a necessary step in the process of realizing that we are all connected. So there is a great benefit to us in learning how to go all the way through conflict to a final resolution. Resolving conflict constructively allows us to experience ourselves as part of a greater humanity connected to all of life, instead of isolated from each other in our own separate worlds.

Peace happens when we finally realize that we are each a unique expression of the same source. Before we can have real peace, however, we have to acknowledge the ways in which we are different. And, it is conflict that makes us aware of our differences. When we experience for ourselves that we are individual stems of the same plant and share a common root, the need for conflict simply fades away.

When we recognize that our similarities
outweigh our differences,
conflict will disappear
because we will have no use for it.

This is true peace.

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                               Why Learn Communication Skills?

           Talking about our problems is a natural way that many of us to respond to life's inveitable struggles. The practice of psychotherapy recognizes this need and offers a formal structure based on the science of psychology. Perhaps the most well know founder of this kind of "talk" therapy is Sigmund Freud who had clients sit on a couch and answer questions while the psychologist made notes. The model he used was a doctor/patient kind of relationship similar to that used in modern western medicine. The client was considered ill, and the professional was the person with the answers who could fix the problem.

          Increasingly today the practice of psychotherapy involves a doctor of psychology diagnosing a patient with specific symptoms and prescribing a pill. While these drugs may bring some immediate sense of relief to an unbearable situation, they often have long term negative impacts. The most damaging affect of taking medication for emotional suffering may be that it does nothing to address the actual cause of the problem. Perscription drugs simply mask the symptoms and allow us to function in the world with less extreem emotional swings. Medication does not encourage is to develop our own resources to resolve our own dilemmas, and therefore it has the demoralizing effect of weakening us and making us dependent in the long run.

          Another pshcylogist, Carl Rogers, recognized the limitations of this doctor/patient approach to mental or emotional healing, and pioneered a radical new vision of a helping relationship. He developed tools for listening to and supporting another person that allowed that person to be in charge of their own process. He called his approach client centered therapy because he believed that each of us benefited most when we were encouraged to solve our own problems, rather than looking for someone else to do that for us.

        Carl Rogers' early work in the field of interpersonal communication skills set the stage for the development of an everyday language that anyone could use with any other person when emotions were charged or someone needed help. These relationship tools have been honed over the past four decades and presented in different formats in books such as: Parent Effectiveness Training, by Dr. Thomas Gordon, People Skills, by Robert Bolton PhD., and NonViolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. Conscious Communication presents a recent evolution of these theories and practices that clarifies how they work to bring about an empowering shift in our way of viewing the world.

         The new language that has emerged gives each of us a way to communicate what is most immediate and significant in our lives now. It is a language of present time that enables us to connect with each other in this moment, rather than always refering to the past or future. Instead of emphasizing our final conclusions or rational analysis of a situation, these tools give voice to our raw feelings and needs, and allow us to take responsibility for them while also sharing them with someone else. The result is a depth of connection between people that is tragically rare in our society today.

        The premise of a new language of connection like Conscious Communication is that most of us want our basic feelings and needs to be recognized, and few of us know how to ask for or give this kind of support. Instead of turning to professional psychologists to tell us what our problem is and give us medication to fix it, we can easily learn to help each other to help ourselves. As we do this, our everyday relationships become strengthened and our lives regain a sense of hope and inspiration.

"...In my early professionals years I was asking the question: How can I treat, or cure, or change this person? Now I would phrase the question in this way: How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth?" --

Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person
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